My husband asked me the other night why I insist on keeping the bathroom light on. I shrugged my shoulders, embarrassed to admit my real reason, trying to think of a clever one. It has nothing to do with being able to find the bathroom in the middle of the night. Though, it helps keep me from going through the wrong door to tinkle and give "water closet" a whole new meaning in my house. When I accidentally fall asleep without my night light, I wake up in a panic and stumble through my bedroom to turn on the light, my ray of shining security. On a side note, I realize that you often find that lost pair of earring when you stumble in the dark. So, I finally admit that I don't like complete darkness. I never have since I was a child, and I have not outgrown that phobia.
I guess the main reason why I don't like utter darkness is because I can't see what's in front of me. I'm afraid of that pitch blackness that surrounds you when any source of light is nonexistent. It is that place that is completely devoid of light, and you know that you have a choice to either stay where you are or find a way out. You stretch your arms in front of you half hoping that you find something to grasp and half hoping that you don't. I guess this is also a good time to reveal that I'm also afraid of clowns, and if I ever stumble into a clown while in the dark, I will scream and cry like a little girl while channeling my inner Jackie Chan and trying out every Kung Fu move I've ever seen in the movies. Okay, so I have two phobias.
To me, light has a way of dispelling my fears and providing that assurance that all is well, even if falls in the dim periphery of that small source of light. I may not be able to see everything, but even the smallest glow can provide the biggest assurance. Perhaps it's that way with God. When you are walking and stumbling in complete darkness, you hold on to anything. You don't get a clear view of what it is. You just hope that it won't bludgeon you with his huge clown shoes. But when you see the light, you know that there's hope. It provides better perspective and a better glimpse of the things we hold on to in the dark. And with that light, we are given a choice. We either let go of whatever it is in our grasp or let go. While it gives us vision, it also takes away excuses. However, in that sense, our source of light is greater than a sliver. It is an infinite source of power, but strangely allows us control of how much or how little we let shine into our darkness. It casts light on all you imperfections. Perhaps, it's that fear that surpasses our fear of the dark. We are more afraid of seeing how we are in the revelation of light than we are stumbling in the dark. Once again, we have to make a choice. In that choice, we either cement that phobia in the shadows or cross it off in the light. As for me, I'm afraid of the dark.