Confession of a Pain in the ...

There have been times when I have forgotten about God's Holiness and became lost in His mercy. You see, I'm not perfect. Yes, as hard as that may be to believe. But I'm not, especially with my walk with God (which can really suck since I'm married to a minister).

I complain. I throw tantrums. I argue. I cuss. (Yeah, I know.) I question. But this is why I also think that God sets aside His holiness. If He didn't, He would just squash me like a bug and not have to deal with my humanness. I don't walk around always singing "Hallelujah." I don't have a perpetual smile and "God bless you" attitude. I get pissed off. And I often get pissed off at God. There are many things I don't understand. I suggest things to Him and wonder why He never takes MY advice. But He tolerates me.

As much as I am in awe of His holiness and what that actually means, I am equally, if not more, in awe of His grace. You see, His holiness would keep me outside, afraid to actually express how I feel and what I think. After all, in light of His holiness, I am expendable. But it is His grace that allows me in that room to speak to and with Him, to be honest. It is His grace that allows me to be completely transparent and realize just how much was sacrificed for me to allow me such audience with the Almighty. I am not afraid. I am not hindered. I pour everything out so that nothing is left unseen. I am and can be emotionally naked in front of my Lord God. And He allows it. Actually, I think He encourages it.

I know He sees my motives are not to disrespect. Often they are to test boundaries and to get His attention. But that's the beauty of it. I do HAVE His attention. I'm not saying to throw fits and be this annoying banshee screeching away just to get what she wants. On the contrary, I think I get His attention just for the sole reason that I have that key of Grace to go beyond His holiness and into His intimacy.

So I came upon this blog post, and I liked it. I'm glad I'm not the only one who isn't annoyingly cheery and spiritual all the frickin' time. I admit. When I get around those people, it's like eating WAY TOO MUCH sugar and getting the shakes. It's just too much for me. Hey, I'm glad God has bless you. I'm glad you've got the Christian jargon going for you. But there are times I feel like I'm hanging out with a lobotomized freak who sees gum drops and butterflies everywhere.

So, I'm just glad to see there are those who aren't afraid of transparency with God and with everyone else. I'm just glad to see that there are those who are a little warped like I am. I am so glad to see that there are those who are wonderfully imperfect and bares it all to God saying, "Here I am. Cut away. I will scream my frickin' head off. I will wrestle with you. But if it gets me closer to You, then have at it. Because there have been a whole hell of a lot of things that have screwed up my life and a whole hell of a lot of people that have pissed me off. Hey, God, YOU have pissed me off. ... But I come to you ... and I will keep coming to You until the reflection I see is more like You ... and less like me."

I Don't Like God, But I Do Love Him | revelife: "I think one of the biggest myths of Christianity, perpetuated by all the smiling faces at church and the cheery, lovey dovey praise songs is that Christians are always amped up on how much we like God."