A Mother's Dictionary

amnesia: A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

bottle feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2AM, too.

defense: What you'd better have around de yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

drooling: How teething babies wash their chins.

dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

family planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

full name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

look out!: What it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

prepared childbirth: An oxymoron.

puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

show off: A child who is more talented than yours.

sterilize: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

two-minute warning: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

verbal: Able to whine in words

weaker sex: The kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge."

-Courtesy of UCB Parents Jokes and Quotes